When someone is upset or in tears, Japanese gives you two very different tools: なだめる (nadameru) and なぐさめる (nagusameru). Both translate loosely as “to comfort,” but they describe opposite emotional situations. Using the wrong word can make you sound like you are dismissing someone’s pain — or picking a fight. This guide breaks down the key difference so you can respond naturally in any emotional moment.
YukaQuick question, Rei — when should I use なだめる versus なぐさめる?
ReiAh, a classic mix-up! They’re related but definitely not interchangeable. I’ll explain with examples and it’ll make perfect sense.
At a Glance: なだめる vs. なぐさめる
| Feature | なだめる (nadameru) | なぐさめる (nagusameru) |
|---|---|---|
| Core meaning | Soothe / calm down (anger or agitation) | Comfort / console (sadness or grief) |
| Kanji | 宥める | 慰める |
| Target emotion | Anger, frustration, tantrum | Sadness, loneliness, grief |
| Word type | Verb (ichidan / ru-verb) | Verb (ichidan / ru-verb) |
| Typical subject | Someone calming an upset person | Someone consoling a sad person |
| JLPT level | N2 | N2 |
なだめる (宥める) — Soothing Anger or Agitation
なだめる means to calm someone who is angry, agitated, or throwing a fit. The key nuance is that the person being calmed is not simply sad — they are emotionally heightened in a way that needs to be brought down. You are essentially de-escalating the situation. The kanji 宥 carries the meaning of forgiveness and calming, which reinforces this idea.
Formation note: なだめる is a る-verb (ichidan verb). Drop る and add the appropriate ending: なだめます (polite), なだめた (past plain), なだめて (te-form).
Example 1 — calming an angry child:
泣いている子どもをなだめた。
Naite iru kodomo wo nadameta.
I soothed the crying child.
Example 2 — calming an upset colleague:
怒っている彼をなだめるのは難しい。
Okotte iru kare wo nadameru no wa muzukashii.
It is hard to calm him down when he is angry.
Example 3 — handling an irritated customer:
店員はクレームをつけた客をなだめた。
Ten’in wa kuremu wo tsuketa kyaku wo nadameta.
The store clerk calmed down the complaining customer.
YukaOh interesting! So なだめる can mean that too? I only knew the basic meaning.
ReiYes! なだめる is more versatile than most learners realize. Native speakers use it in all sorts of situations — not just the obvious ones.
なぐさめる (慰める) — Consoling Sadness or Grief
なぐさめる means to console or comfort someone who is sad, lonely, grieving, or discouraged. The emotion here is downward — the person feels low, and you are trying to lift them up with kindness or words of support. The kanji 慰 contains the idea of heartfelt comfort and relief.
Formation note: なぐさめる is also a る-verb. なぐさめます (polite), なぐさめた (past plain), なぐさめて (te-form).
Example 1 — comforting a sad friend:
悲しんでいる友達をなぐさめた。
Kanashinde iru tomodachi wo nagusameta.
I comforted my sad friend.
Example 2 — consoling someone after a failure:
試験に落ちた彼女をなぐさめた。
Shiken ni ochita kanojo wo nagusameta.
I consoled her after she failed the exam.
Example 3 — comforting someone who lost a family member:
大切な人を失った彼をなぐさめる言葉が見つからなかった。
Taisetsu na hito wo ushinatta kare wo nagusameru kotoba ga mitsukaranakatta.
I could not find words to comfort him after losing someone important.
YukaWhat about なぐさめる? Is it used as often as なだめる in daily conversation?
Reiなぐさめる is super common too! The two words actually complement each other really well once you understand both.
The Core Difference: Emotion Up vs. Emotion Down
The clearest way to remember the difference is to think about the emotional direction of the person you are helping:
- なだめる = the person is emotionally UP (angry, agitated, explosive). You bring them DOWN.
- なぐさめる = the person is emotionally DOWN (sad, grieving, discouraged). You bring them UP.
This is why using なだめる for someone who is crying from sadness can sound wrong — you are implying they are being unreasonable or throwing a tantrum, rather than simply hurting.
Side-by-Side Comparison
| Situation | なだめる ✓/✗ | なぐさめる ✓/✗ |
|---|---|---|
| A child having a tantrum | ✓ 子どもをなだめる | ✗ (child is angry, not sad) |
| A friend crying over a breakup | ✗ (would imply they are overreacting) | ✓ 友達をなぐさめる |
| An angry boss | ✓ 上司をなだめる | ✗ |
| Someone who failed an exam | ✗ | ✓ なぐさめる言葉をかける |
| A person grieving a loss | ✗ | ✓ 悲しみをなぐさめる |
| An upset, complaining customer | ✓ 客をなだめる | ✗ |
Decision Flowchart
Someone needs emotional support — which verb to use?
|
v
What is their emotional state?
|
+----------+----------+
| |
v v
ANGRY / UPSET SAD / GRIEVING
(agitated, tantrum, (crying from sadness,
complaining) discouraged, lonely)
| |
v v
なだめる なぐさめる
(soothe / calm down) (comfort / console)Quick Quiz — Test Yourself!
YukaAlright, I think I understand both now. Time for a quiz to check!
ReiThat’s the spirit! Testing yourself is one of the best study techniques. Ready?
Choose なだめる or なぐさめる for each sentence.
Q1. My little brother was throwing a tantrum, so I calmed him down.
弟がかんしゃくを起こしたので、＿＿＿。
Otouto ga kanshaku wo okoshita node, ___.
Answer: なだめた (nadameta)
Reason: A tantrum = anger/agitation → なだめる.
Q2. She lost her pet dog, and I tried to comfort her.
彼女はペットの犬を亡くして、私は彼女を＿＿＿しようとした。
Kanojo wa petto no inu wo nakushite, watashi wa kanojo wo ___ shiyou to shita.
Answer: なぐさめ (nagusamé)
Reason: Grief over a loss → なぐさめる.
Q3. The manager calmed down the complaining customer.
マネージャーはクレームをつけた客を＿＿＿た。
Maneejaa wa kuremu wo tsuketa kyaku wo ___ ta.
Answer: なだめ (nadame)
Reason: An upset complaining customer → なだめる.
Q4. I found words to comfort my friend who failed the interview.
面接に落ちた友達を＿＿＿言葉を見つけた。
Mensetsu ni ochita tomodachi wo ___ kotoba wo mitsuketa.
Answer: なぐさめる (nagusameru)
Reason: Discouragement from failure → なぐさめる.
Q5. He is good at calming angry people down.
彼は怒っている人を＿＿＿のが上手だ。
Kare wa okotte iru hito wo ___ no ga jouzu da.
Answer: なだめる (nadameru)
Reason: Angry people → なだめる.
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あわせて読みたい
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